breath for breath

I Will Follow - Live from Fellowship Creative on Vimeo.
So here I sit... a long long long time from when I posted last. Sorry... things got a little bit crazy for a while, therefore I have a LOT to talk about tonight.

First of all, I am now officially a GRADUATE NURSE!!!! *clapping and a roar of cheers are happening in my head* If you guys had ANY idea the road it took for me to get to this point and how important this is to me, your heart would ache a little bit. So, let the aching begin:

It all started when I was born. The day I took my first breath, my grandfather saw me and (according to my mother and everyone else who was there) he was completely taken with me. We had an inseparable bond that I fully didn't understand until now. I always wanted to be with him, around him, in the same room as him. He was my hero-- my absolute hero. Now, as a grown woman, his character is everything that I want in a man someday. He was gentle, he glowed when he laughed. He had a roughness to his hands that revealed every second of hard work. He took care of his yard, and everyone marveled at the beauty and serenity of his work. As well as he took care of his home, he took even more care looking after his family. Sure, he would make mistakes now and then that could have potentially lead to devastating circumstances (ahem... Stephen being left at home by himself as a 2 year old)... but who doesn't? I could see every day how much he loved my grandmother and I could feel deep in my soul that every single day he loved me with as much love as he could possibly give. We would toss the baseball together, and I remember with great clarity the patience he had with me... especially when I would throw that ball with all my might and it would smack him right in the knee cap! It hurts my heart to even think about how much that hurt... but he would always smile and say "it's okay, punkin! try again!" His laugh was contagious and warm... I felt so at ease around him... like the world was right. My favorite place in the whole world is on his lap in his brown leather chair, the Sunday paper in hand reading the funnies. He would laugh more than I would.
When I was thirteen years old my grandfather that I adored with all my heart was sentenced to an extremely short life due to stage 4 lung cancer. It wasn't just in his lungs anymore, it was everywhere. God gave us many months to enjoy him, to love on him, and to say our goodbyes. God uses terminal cancer as a blessing in the lives of those who are devastated by the disease by giving them time to say "goodbye", "i forgive you", and "i love you". I remember gramps sitting me down by his pool and asking me "so, punkin, what do you think of the disease gramps has?" I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. All I knew is that he was going to be taken from earth to spend wonderful time in Heaven and that's where he would wait for me. So, I told him "I think it's something that we can't change and that we need to deal with." It is what it is.

A few days before his death, I returned home from Pine Cove summer camp, high on the Lord as I always was after those days. I was told on the way home that gramps fell and broke his shoulder and the prognosis was poor. My mom tells me that on that car ride, I told her that I knew my destiny, and that my destiny was to "help people." By the time I got to him, I was the last to see him in the hospital and I just sat there, held his hand, and let tears roll down my cheek. I remember my mom saying "memorize that feeling. memorize the feeling of holding his hand." It's been 10 years and I still remember it. It was warm, rough, and my hand was so small compared to his. He had a gentle but firm grip on my hand as if he wanted to take me with him, but knew he couldn't. I tried to hide the tears from him, but there's no hiding things from him. He would say "it's okay punkin! it's alright. don't ever forget that you're my punkin and i love you" The way he spoke it had such gentle authority.
Soon after that day, he went into a coma. When he would hear my voice he would thrash about in bed and I would have to leave so he could calm down. I cannot imagine the torture of that coma... he knew we were there. He wanted more time with us. He wanted to cherish those last moments, but he couldn't get out of the prison his body became. After a little more time, and probably more sedatives, we had our time with him... our time to tell him how much we love him and what he meant to us. He could hear us, and we know that's certain. On July 17, 2001 my mother and I decided to give my grandmother a break and we would sleep there that night. As I got ready for bed, my mom sat by his side and read out of Revelation. She read about what Heaven would be like, and how soon he would see the pearly gates and all its beauty. She sat there and cherished every gentle breath he would breathe. I sat with them, talked about what we think Heaven would be like, read the Bible to him some more, then I felt overwhelmingly tired, so I laid down to close my eyes. The next thing I hear is a gentle whisper: "Kristen. Kristen..... I think he's gone." Immediately I jumped up and looked at him, felt his chest for movement of air, listened for breath sounds, felt no pulse, then closed his eyes. My mother and I looked at each other and were amazed at the overwhelming peace that surrounded us. The peace than can ONLY come from God. It was absolutely beyond all understanding. The peace in the air was so tangible, it was as if I could pluck a feather of peace out of the air and hold it in my hands. I have never felt peace like that since, and I assume the next time I feel it is when I will be standing next to my grandfather at those pearly gates we dreamed about. As my mother and I walked down the corridor leading to the car, I said "I know what God wants me to do with my life. He wants me to be a nurse." BAM. That was it.

My grandfather was there when I took my first breath, and I was there when he took his last. 

In that last gasping breath he took, God branded me with my purpose in life. Every single second of my life since the first time my grandfather and I gazed into each others eyes lead up to this moment. As God developed our relationship, He knew all of this would eventually come to be. Now every comic strip we laughed at, every ball we threw, every jump in the pool means SO much more than it ever has because his destiny in life was to lead me to mine.

So, that brings me to now. Nursing degree in hand, and I'm waiting for my next instruction from the Lord.



Lord, here I sit, holding my purpose in my hands and I'm waiting to follow You. Lead me.

*now please watch the video at the beginning of this post... it will bless your life!!!

Many many blessings to each of you, Kristen