breath for breath

I Will Follow - Live from Fellowship Creative on Vimeo.
So here I sit... a long long long time from when I posted last. Sorry... things got a little bit crazy for a while, therefore I have a LOT to talk about tonight.

First of all, I am now officially a GRADUATE NURSE!!!! *clapping and a roar of cheers are happening in my head* If you guys had ANY idea the road it took for me to get to this point and how important this is to me, your heart would ache a little bit. So, let the aching begin:

It all started when I was born. The day I took my first breath, my grandfather saw me and (according to my mother and everyone else who was there) he was completely taken with me. We had an inseparable bond that I fully didn't understand until now. I always wanted to be with him, around him, in the same room as him. He was my hero-- my absolute hero. Now, as a grown woman, his character is everything that I want in a man someday. He was gentle, he glowed when he laughed. He had a roughness to his hands that revealed every second of hard work. He took care of his yard, and everyone marveled at the beauty and serenity of his work. As well as he took care of his home, he took even more care looking after his family. Sure, he would make mistakes now and then that could have potentially lead to devastating circumstances (ahem... Stephen being left at home by himself as a 2 year old)... but who doesn't? I could see every day how much he loved my grandmother and I could feel deep in my soul that every single day he loved me with as much love as he could possibly give. We would toss the baseball together, and I remember with great clarity the patience he had with me... especially when I would throw that ball with all my might and it would smack him right in the knee cap! It hurts my heart to even think about how much that hurt... but he would always smile and say "it's okay, punkin! try again!" His laugh was contagious and warm... I felt so at ease around him... like the world was right. My favorite place in the whole world is on his lap in his brown leather chair, the Sunday paper in hand reading the funnies. He would laugh more than I would.
When I was thirteen years old my grandfather that I adored with all my heart was sentenced to an extremely short life due to stage 4 lung cancer. It wasn't just in his lungs anymore, it was everywhere. God gave us many months to enjoy him, to love on him, and to say our goodbyes. God uses terminal cancer as a blessing in the lives of those who are devastated by the disease by giving them time to say "goodbye", "i forgive you", and "i love you". I remember gramps sitting me down by his pool and asking me "so, punkin, what do you think of the disease gramps has?" I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. All I knew is that he was going to be taken from earth to spend wonderful time in Heaven and that's where he would wait for me. So, I told him "I think it's something that we can't change and that we need to deal with." It is what it is.

A few days before his death, I returned home from Pine Cove summer camp, high on the Lord as I always was after those days. I was told on the way home that gramps fell and broke his shoulder and the prognosis was poor. My mom tells me that on that car ride, I told her that I knew my destiny, and that my destiny was to "help people." By the time I got to him, I was the last to see him in the hospital and I just sat there, held his hand, and let tears roll down my cheek. I remember my mom saying "memorize that feeling. memorize the feeling of holding his hand." It's been 10 years and I still remember it. It was warm, rough, and my hand was so small compared to his. He had a gentle but firm grip on my hand as if he wanted to take me with him, but knew he couldn't. I tried to hide the tears from him, but there's no hiding things from him. He would say "it's okay punkin! it's alright. don't ever forget that you're my punkin and i love you" The way he spoke it had such gentle authority.
Soon after that day, he went into a coma. When he would hear my voice he would thrash about in bed and I would have to leave so he could calm down. I cannot imagine the torture of that coma... he knew we were there. He wanted more time with us. He wanted to cherish those last moments, but he couldn't get out of the prison his body became. After a little more time, and probably more sedatives, we had our time with him... our time to tell him how much we love him and what he meant to us. He could hear us, and we know that's certain. On July 17, 2001 my mother and I decided to give my grandmother a break and we would sleep there that night. As I got ready for bed, my mom sat by his side and read out of Revelation. She read about what Heaven would be like, and how soon he would see the pearly gates and all its beauty. She sat there and cherished every gentle breath he would breathe. I sat with them, talked about what we think Heaven would be like, read the Bible to him some more, then I felt overwhelmingly tired, so I laid down to close my eyes. The next thing I hear is a gentle whisper: "Kristen. Kristen..... I think he's gone." Immediately I jumped up and looked at him, felt his chest for movement of air, listened for breath sounds, felt no pulse, then closed his eyes. My mother and I looked at each other and were amazed at the overwhelming peace that surrounded us. The peace than can ONLY come from God. It was absolutely beyond all understanding. The peace in the air was so tangible, it was as if I could pluck a feather of peace out of the air and hold it in my hands. I have never felt peace like that since, and I assume the next time I feel it is when I will be standing next to my grandfather at those pearly gates we dreamed about. As my mother and I walked down the corridor leading to the car, I said "I know what God wants me to do with my life. He wants me to be a nurse." BAM. That was it.

My grandfather was there when I took my first breath, and I was there when he took his last. 

In that last gasping breath he took, God branded me with my purpose in life. Every single second of my life since the first time my grandfather and I gazed into each others eyes lead up to this moment. As God developed our relationship, He knew all of this would eventually come to be. Now every comic strip we laughed at, every ball we threw, every jump in the pool means SO much more than it ever has because his destiny in life was to lead me to mine.

So, that brings me to now. Nursing degree in hand, and I'm waiting for my next instruction from the Lord.



Lord, here I sit, holding my purpose in my hands and I'm waiting to follow You. Lead me.

*now please watch the video at the beginning of this post... it will bless your life!!!

Many many blessings to each of you, Kristen

Perfectly Imperfect

So, my last semester of nursing school has started. I am two weeks in and I already feel incredibly overwhelmed! Lately I have felt like I am being stretched at thin as I possibly can. I know when I get this way, I need to rely on God more than I do when all feels right with the world. Don't get me wrong, I ALWAYS need to rely on God, I absolutely cannot do this life without Him. Right now, however, I need Him more than ever. Not only do I know this, but the evil one knows this as well. Satan is doing whatever he can to make sure I DON'T spend enough time with my Father. That guy really grinds my gears. God has shown me that I have been trying to do this semester by myself so far, and God is showing me my need for Him every second of the day.

He's been showing me a lot of things lately. For example, I hold myself to a high standard that I can't meet. Because I don't want to disappoint God, that standard becomes perfection. I want everyone and everything around me to work perfectly, for all the working gears of my life to run smoothly, without rust, and without squeaking. The fact of life here on earth is that there will always be thunderstorms and rain to make those gears rust, squeak, and break down. Basically, God is showing me that I will never be perfect, and that I need to stop expecting my life to fall into perfection. The only thing that is perfect is our God, and He has every single detail worked out in my life. His will is perfect. His word is without flaws. He has made me in His image and even though I am not perfect, I am valuable. I am worth something. He loves me enough to be patient with me... to pick me up every single time I fall... to pursue me when my actions show there are other things worth pursuing besides Him. He will never let me go, and when I run back to Him, He will always welcome me with open arms. Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!!!!

Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with Him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised Him from the dead. I want to suffer with Him, sharing in His death so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! -Philippians 3:8-11

Pray without ceasing.

I know it has been SO long since I last updated but I have to share an amazing story with you.

This morning I woke up feeling burdened... my heart feeling heavy. After praying, the feeling didn't go away. It was a vague feeling, it was about nothing specific, and I found myself feeling as if I needed to spend the day in prayer. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 popped into my head "pray without ceasing." Okay... I haven't made that my goal for the day in quite some time (like, years) so I wrote it on a sticky note and placed it on my computer screen. Every time I saw it, I prayed. Every time I prayed, I felt God's presence. I was at complete peace deep within my soul all day and it was absolutely wonderful!

Right before I left work for the day I got a text message from someone I love saying they got in a car accident. My heart dropped. My mind went blank then suddenly rushed back to all the memories of getting that phone call saying Bethany got in a car accident and didn't survive. My dear friend mentioned she and her boyfriend were without a scratch but with a totaled car and camper. Even with this amazing news of their well-being, I couldn't help but feel the gaping wound left from Bethany's sudden, tragic loss almost 4 years ago. I hear the saying often that "time heals all wounds." I have a feeling that this saying is not accurate. Even with so much time in between where I stand now and November 12, 2006, the wound can be opened at any time. It is only with God's presence that I have healed as much as I have.

Soon after the rush of feelings came, a silence swept over my mind. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 took it's place. Pray without ceasing. Don't stop praying. Pray in all things and in all situations. God KNEW I would receive this news today and He KNEW what my wounds were. He loved me enough to make His presence clear to me, even if the reason was vague. He KNEW I would need Him right by my side, that there was no one else who could fill that place. He knows my needs and always meets them.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Here are a few pictures from the trip I thought you guys would like to see...

This is Priscovia and her family. The man is her uncle, on his left is her mother. Priscovia is the little girl who was caught in the house fire where her two brothers died. She is the one with the neck brace.
Before her surgeries at CURE, Priscovia wouldn't smile. She would hide her face and her body and refused to talk to anyone. Look at this powerful picture!!! She's SMILING!!!


Chisenga Chisenga-- this little girl (with the same first and last names) stuck her arm in boiling water. She was told by other doctors there was nothing they could do. She went to CURE and she looks amazing!!! AND she has use of her arm, which she didn't have before!


This little boy followed us around in this one village... he wouldn't touch us but he would be one step behind me everywhere I went. Before we left, I decided to pick him up, and look how happy he is!!!


This precious sight is Pamela. She was a burn victim since she was a little girl, was told there was nothing any doctor could do... but then she went to CURE. She now has full use of her arm, she writes with it, fetches water from the well, plays with her friends... She has told me she wants to be a nurse! I will never forget this beautiful girl. She is now 18 years old. Notice her right arm-- the length compared to her waist as well as the way it looks. LOVE this girl.


I hope you enjoyed the pictures :)

No such thing as a pipe dream...

Wow, I honestly can't believe I have been back in America for almost a week. There have been so many times since I have been home that I have thought to myself "one week ago I was in Africa." Dang... sometimes it feels like it never happened, that it was another "Lariam dream." But nope, it was very much real! I remind myself every day of that beautiful verse in Psalms 9 "I will tell of the marvelous things You have done..." That's all I want -- everyday of my life. I want to praise Him with all of my heart and tell of the amazing things our Father has done, and of what He has allowed me to see and feel.

This past Saturday night, two amazing women (Dr. Armstrong and Danie) hosted a coming home from Africa party for me and they made sure so many people I adore were there. I have to say, I have never felt so loved in my entire life. We danced, looked through pictures, laughed, and thoroughly enjoyed the presence of each other's company. Thank You, Father, for all the wonderful people You have placed in my life. They are alongside me only because You willed it. Thank You, from the depths of my heart, for each and every one of them.

Now I'm off to Arizona to visit my Great Aunt Arlyne who generously sponsored my trip to Africa! My family won't tell me at all what we are going to do, so I'm guessing it's a surprise. I love surprises. She's 86 years old and we are going to tear up the town!!! I absolutely can't wait! I am beyond blessed to have her genes... she's the spunkiest 86-year-old I have ever met.

So now I'm off to the next leg of my life journey... and I have learned so much about myself and about life in my short 22 years in this world. Every day, more and more, C.S. Lewis' words ring truer in my head "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I find desires in my heart for pure, absolute, unexplainable joy and peace. So far, looking in this world, I can't find it. So, I have stopped looking elsewhere and now I do my best to focus on the one true thing that I must be made for -- my Father. Of course, I fall short constantly, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try. Another thing I have learned is to stop planning so far ahead in my life. There was a point where I pretty much had it all planned out. My to-do list pretty much consisted of a husband, 5 kids, nursing career, and living in Texas. Africa was not on my to-do list. It seemed more like a pipe dream. Why in the world would I limit God in my life like that?!? Now that I reflect on my desires and dreams just a few months ago, it makes me sick to my stomach. How selfish was I? It goes to show you, no matter how much you try and get in God's way, He will tug harder and harder on your heart until you fall back into His will... and even then, with all the mistakes I have made, He will use them for His glory! How amazing is that?!? It makes me want to leap and bound through a field somewhere... with lots of purple flowers... barefoot... there's something about being barefoot that makes me feel closer to God-- His creation. I love purple, I love being barefoot, and I love God... so, there you have it. Me, in a nutshell!

So now, having lived the "pipe dream" once, I know God is going to light the way for every next step I take, as long as I seek Him first and dive into His word. Psalm 119:105 says Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. With God, there is no such thing as a pipe dream.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Last weekend in Africa...

I can't believe it... I'm at my last 2 days here. Saturday and Sunday. That's it for me here in Africa... at least for now.

So here's an update on my last week here, Wednesday-Friday:

Wednesday: Dr. Kachinga Sichizya took Josh and I around Lusaka for the entire day. We visited UTH (University Teaching Hospital), I got to meet his wife who is absolutely precious, he showed us the house they live in right now which is small and a rented home, he also took us to the home they are building (and have been building for the last four years)... that house is going to be absolutely wonderful for him and his family! He was telling me that right now, in that small home they are in, there's him, his wife, his 3 children, plus 6 orphans from a few siblings of his who passed away. Eleven people in a tiny house... This man amazes me. I have never met anyone who is so on fire for our Lord, and will do anything He says. Kachinga also took us to see the President of Zambia's house, a previous president's gravesite, the old and new US embassy, and all the other embassies in the area. The new US embassy that is being built is the largest one in Africa. I have asked several people why we are building a new one, and they said "I don't know... you tell me! You're the American!" It's actually 2 blocks from Kachinga's new house, so he says that we are his neighbors. :)

Thursday: Josh left yesterday morning and it seems as if all the patients left with him! The ward is empty. There's probably 4 patients left now! The thing is that the OR is being renovated and it's impossible to keep the rooms sterile until they are done adding the extra OR suite. That will be about 3 more weeks... so they did one final OR day this week for the orthopedic patients who needed it. I got to hang out with them in the OR yesterday, perfecting my IV insertion skills (yippee!!!). In the OR I got to see a lot of osteomyelitis cases. I don't get to see that everyday in the US. Last night the anesthesiologist, Dr. Tshoma, who has been incredibly helpful to me, invited me out to dinner with his wife and niece. We went to this awesome restaurant called "Rhapsody" and the food was absolutely amazing. I had chili chicken penne, his wife had "meat on a stick" ...not like a kabab... but on a huge metal rod. It looked amazing! Dr. Tshoma and his niece both had bacon wrapped chicken that was stuffed with red bell peppers. I'm tellin ya... the food was awesome!

Friday-Sunday: This weekend I was asked by the director of nursing, Judith, to come spend the weekend with her and her family. She doesn't want me to be all alone, with an empty hospital during my last weekend here... I've asked her about ten times "are you suuuure? I don't want to be a burden!!!!" She said her husband works all weekend and she has 3 small kids, so I would actually be helping her by staying there! She is such a blessing to me. On Sunday, I'm having dinner with Pastor Harold and his family... The people here take such good care of me. My heart is so incredibly touched by their kindness.

Monday morning I leave for London (10 hr flight), stay there overnight, leave Tuesday morning for Texas (10 hr flight) and I arrive at 2:30 or so in the afternoon! I'm flying back in time... :)

I think that's about all I have for now... I miss everyone back home and I'm getting really anxious to be home again. When I know I'm leaving soon, I just want to get the party started... please pray I live in today's moments, for God says not to be anxious about tomorrow.


Alleluia, Sing by David Crowder Band

as calm comes to the sea
as snow falls quietly
You come to me
like justice to the weak
like the flood rising
You come, You come to me
and it feels like it's almost here...

Alleluia, Majesty
Alleluia, risen King
Alleluia, angels sing

like springtime to winter's harsh
like laughter to solemnness
like a sun rising up
You come, You come to us

Alleluia, Majesty
Alleluia, King of Kings
Allelugah angels sing

like a song rising up, with Your heart filling up
my heart's not enough for this love, for this love
to sing of love, to sing of love....

Alleluia, Majesty
Alleluia, King of Kings
Alleluia, angels sing
Alleluia sing!

Psalm 9:1-2

Psalm 9:1-2
I will praise You, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of the marvelous things You have done. I will be filled with joy because of You. I will sing praises to You.

This verse has been placed on my heart the last few days... I have been meditating on it, trying to comprehend it and apply it to my life. There are so many things happening here in Africa, I have no idea where to even begin telling of the marvelous things our wonderful Father has done. Lord, I pray that You alone would speak through me, I take myself out of the way.

So, as I think about the first part of the verse, I will praise You, Lord with all of my heart, I can think of many times on this trip where I have praised my God... but most of them have not been with all of my heart -- every inch of my soul. There have been countless times where as I say "God, you are so magnificent... You are incredibly faithful and wonderful. Thank You for being who You are!" and part of my mind is elsewhere, distracted. I have found this is extremely common in other believers, but I don't want it to be common for me. It shouldn't be normal! I want my relationship with God to be as Hosea describes in 2:16 " ...when that day comes, says the lord, you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" I don't know what that means to you, but when you read it in context, there is SUCH an air of intimacy in that statement... when God reveals Himself to me, I want to be completely enveloped in my moments with Him, just like a husband and wife. Through this part of the verse, God has convicted me and made me more aware of the moments I spend with him, making sure I am praising Him with all of my heart. Every piece of it.

Okay, so the second part: I will tell of the marvelous things You have done -- this part is what first caught my eye. It describes exactly what I want to come out of this service in Africa! I want to show our Father's amazing love to everyone I come in contact with, and I know through this experience God will show me the marvelous things He is doing every moment of every day. I am not supposed to keep these experiences to myself... if I did, that would not only be disobedience but it would be incredibly selfish. Who am I to keep God's miracles to myself? I encourage you... if you see God move in your life, please don't keep it to yourself. Tell the world of the marvelous things He is doing!

The third part: I will be filled with joy because of you. Joy. That word is very sensitive in my spirit because of my freshman year in college and the experience God blessed me with during the Bethany tragedy. Joy. These last four years I have been trying to figure out what exactly that word means. Spiritualityandpractice.com explains it as this:

Joy is an essential spiritual practice growing out of faith, grace, gratitude, hope, and love. It is the pure and simple delight in being alive. It is also the deep satisfaction we know when we are able to serve others and be glad for their good fortune.
Through my own personal experiences, God has slowly showed me that joy and happiness are not the same thing. I have realized that complete spiritual joy is drenched in peace -- the overwhelming peace only God provides. Because of this, we can possess joy in the midst of storms, trials, hardships, persecution. Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4 -- take note that the verse does not say that it is an opportunity for happiness. Trials are difficult!!!! Trials are usually not happy times!!! However, if we lean on our Father during those troubled times, God blesses our hearts with peace... trust in Him alone... joy. I pray that God will show you what true spiritual, Godly joy is.

The last part: I will sing praises to you. This part feels so much like a statement of peace. I know when my mind and heart completely worships God, especially through music, I have the most overwhelming sense of fulfillment and peace. I encourage you to go into your room, close the door, and let the words of your favorite praise and worship songs take over your mind. Make the words a prayer to our Father. Get lost in our God!!!!

Psalm 9:1-2
I will praise You, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of the marvelous things You have done. I will be filled with joy because of You. I will sing praises to You.