Testimony

Warning: this is a really long post. Grab a cup of coffee, some cookies, and make sure you are comfortable... I believe God wants to say something today!

I feel extremely heavy-hearted right now, but I'm not quite sure why. It came over me quickly and I definitely feel it is from God. He wants me to search His word so He can turn the vague into clarity. God, I pray for clarity. With this heavy heart comes feelings of gratitude for the moment, humility, and joy. A strange combination, but extremely compelling.
I am going to seem extremely random for a little bit, but it's for a reason. I promise! Hang in there...:

I have begun to reread the gospels, starting with Matthew. I have read them before as a young girl, but I seemed to have just glimpsed over the story and the heart of God. I didn't let the weight of God's word sink into my spirit at the time... probably because of my spiritual immaturity. A wise teacher of mine once told me that we grow and mature through life experiences. This has become obvious in hindsight (hindsight, after all, is 20/20).

When I was a young girl, I endured many personal and family challenges while growing up... challenges that God has used to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. At the time, however, I was only feeling the weight of the abandonment, betrayal, and loss... I did not know how to use it. I did, however, lean on God during those times as best as I knew, all thanks to my mom's determination for me to know God. She had me involved in church and sent me to Pine Cove Christian camp during the summers... that's really where I started to experience God.

Many of you know my testimony, my trials growing up and through college. For those who don't, here's the short version: my parents divorced when I was 3-- my mother was a single mother for a year and a half and we moved frequently. I lived with my grandparents for awhile when I was 4. My grandfather became my father figure until my mom married Kurt, my wonderful step-dad. When I was 12, my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer, and at 13 he died. My mother and I were with him when he died on July 17, 2001 at 11:17 p.m. That night was the first night I really knew God was real. I will never forget that night for as long as I live. God's peace was so strong in that room that it took several days for it to wear off of my soul. That night, God also showed me through that experience, through His peace in that room, that His will for my life was to be a nurse... and through time it has only continued to be confirmed. The next huge trial came my freshman year of college at OBU. I was in the nursing program and became close with my "nursing buddy," Bethany Swift. She lived on my hall in the dorm and we had tennis, chemistry, anatomy, and nursing classes together, and she was my partner in all of them. On November 12, she was in a car accident and died at the scene. My sweet friend, Meryl, was in the accident as well and survived by God's grace. All of the preparation God gave me growing up in church and in camp was tossed aside at this time in my life. I have never been so far away from God. I threw myself into the relationship I was in with my boyfriend, because he was tangible, instead of in my Holy Father, who is the great healer. Topher (my boyfriend, and later fiancee) encouraged me to go back to God and to read His word, but the hurt was so great that I couldn't do it. I wasn't mad at God because I knew He had a purpose for everything. Instead I was indifferent. I was apathetic. What a horrible place to be... my heart that used to be so full of happiness, joy, and love was suddenly engulfed by darkness and depression. It took me just over 3 years for my heart to be full again, and the craziest thing did it. I obeyed God... I obeyed God by no longer being in a relationship with Topher. What I didn't realize while I was with him is that all my hope was in Topher, not in God. No person is made for that job... we are not made to carry the full weight of others-- that's what Christ does for us and did for us by bearing the cross on His shoulders before He died on it. That wasn't fair for me to do, and I vow to never do that again to anyone in this world.

Through the trials, God has spoken to me through these verses:
There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven: a time for birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to let go; a time to search and a time to sew; a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace. ...He has made everything appropriate in its time.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

After Bethany died, I did not want or care for God's word or to seek Him. In the last 2 months, God has healed my heart from my broken relationships and has renewed the purpose in my life. The desires of my heart have changed from worldly things to Godly things because I am wholeheartedly pursuing Him through reading His word, worshiping Him through music, and speaking with Him through prayer. He has made His voice clear in my mind and heart... something of which I am truly unworthy of hearing. I am humbled daily at this presence. Through His word and prayer, He gives me clarity of mind and of His will. He gives me peace beyond my understanding, and I want you to know that He earnestly wants this relationship with you. No matter what you've done in life, no matter how far you have strayed from God, He yearns to be with you and for you to seek Him. Read Ecclesiastes... it shows that a life without God is not worth living. All you have to do is come to Him, right where you are. Through this transition in my life, I have learned that God loves me and you more than we can possibly imagine... if I really think about it and meditate on it I think I might go crazy or lose my mind... it's so incredibly powerful.

I now thirst to know God's heart and His character. He has blessed us with His holy word, and through His word He reveals Himself to us... His heart and character. I read Matthew 5 tonight, and I think I need to read it for a few days before continuing to chapter 6. There is so much meat in that chapter, so much that can be applied to my life and heart, I don't want to miss what God wants to say to me through His word! In Matthew 5 God talks about how even though we go through trials on this earth, our reward is in heaven and it's greater than we can ever imagine. He also shares that when we walk with Christ, we are the salt of the earth. We give the earth flavor and purpose, and without it the earth is simply rock. He also says that with Christ, we are a light to this world, and we should no longer hide this light, but share it and uncover it. We all possess this light, and it's up to you to share your story and testimony with others! In Matthew 5, Christ also says that we are to let our words be solid, our "yes" mean "yes" and our "no" mean "no." That we are to love our enemies, not just those who are easy to love. He also talks about how murder begins in the heart and about adultery. His word really is living, and active... sharper than a double-edged sword. I encourage you to develop an intimate relationship with God through His word.

I know this has been an extremely long post, and I feel emotionally exhausted after sharing my heart with you. I pray God will use it however He needs it. Thank you for listening to me tonight... for going on this journey with me. I want to end this with Matthew 5:3-10:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, because the kingdom of heaven is theirs.
Blessed are those who mourn, because they will be comforted.
Blessed are the gentle, because they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, because they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, because they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, because they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, because they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs.


Love and blessings, Kristen

Gramps and me:

Me, Rachel, Reji, Bethany, Meryl, Jen at OBU